Dating shouldn't be based on chemistry

It should be based on compatibility

I discovered that most dating advice and dating websites focus on how to “catch and score” based on chemistry alone. There’s no evaluation of one’s relationship readiness or tools to determine if two people are compatible and capable of having a good relationship or marriage. Rather than encouraging someone to become healthy and educated, the tactics embraced by dating websites more closely resemble those used in hunting or fishing: attraction through means of deception (i.e., “mating calls” or attractive lures) and evaluating our “catch” according to trophy standards—whether they are a keeper and worth showing off to our friends. Sport hunting can be fun for the hunter, but what about the hunted?

After someone is lured, caught, traumatized, and thrown back a few times, they flee from anything that even remotely resembles that vicious cycle. I see singles who desire a meaningful relationship yet are traumatized and in need of restoration from dating experiences gone bad. For most, the trauma eventually subsides, the desire to be in an intimate relationship returns, and they find themselves lured into a potentially harmful relationship all over again. The following are a few traits unsuccessful daters have in common:

  •  Ill-defined intentions
  • Vague priorities
  • Lack of preparedness
  • Reliance on deceptive dating techniques
  • An unhealthy dating strategy
  • Ignorance about the power of physical intimacy

Missteps and mistakes like these are counterproductive to what the real purpose of dating should be, which is to obtain knowledge and assess marital compatibility. I understand that not everyone wants marriage or values its benefits, and you don’t have to be married to enjoy some of the benefits of marriage. In fact, some believe that the “confinement” of marriage is detrimental to the relationship, while others value lifelong commitment vows as an alignment with their spiritual beliefs. Whether you believe in the sanctification of marriage or not, when it comes to finding a compatible partner, one would be foolish to leave it to chance or base it on deceptive tactics and romantic desires.

Dating Deciphered

The Dating Highway encompasses wisdom and common sense, along with the personal stories and experiences of many people, including my own. In the first half of the book, I explain why most dating experiences are complicated, frustrating, ineffective, and often produce detrimental consequences that extend beyond the couple.

In the second half, I provide a better way, tools, and a strategy to help you navigate the dating process. Both parts of the book are summarized through visual timelines and a chronological dating scenario that I believe is enlightening.

My favorite part of the book is the Dating Highway Road Map. The roads are built on the chapters of the book and the dating process. It, too, is divided into two parts and detailed throughout the book. The full map provides a visual overview of the book and its concepts.

I could load each chapter with multiple stories and examples, but this book isn’t as much about what others have done as it is what we tend to do in our dating lives. Once we establish what not to do, then we’ll explore a better way to seek marriage. I hope that you will be able to look at the map, insert your own stories, see the wrong turns you may have taken, and then guide yourself onto the paths that are best for you.

Please click on the icon below to sample the book and access the Dating Highway resources.